Beautiful people

Posted: November 7, 2013 in Memories
Tags: , , , ,

Being looked upon with judgement made my stomach feel like I had a heavy stone inside me forcing my legs to buckle. I hold my posture and tried to not show fear. Their eyes swept over me as if I had stod there naked in front of them. I wanted their approval, they were the beautiful people…

I was young and insecure. My early years had made me doubt myself and I felt ugly. I looked everywere for attention. Anyone who gave me that could have me, I thought I was loved. I would give them whatever I could or they needed, my attention, body, passion or friendship. But I could not give them love because I did not know how it felt. If shown attention I would fly towards it like a moth flying towards light. Abandoning the attention I had for new attention was my way of finding approval. With attention I was someone. I felt loved…

Popularity wasn’t what I looked for. But being noticed and wanted by someone was my goal and I wanted it so bad. I had a unhealthy view on relations since my view of it was based on attention. When the first passionate period ended I felt unloved and moved away quickly to next bright light. I found myself in a bad spiral and took time to think about what I did and what I wanted. I stopped hurting people and myself, but the hunger for attention never left me.

Growing older has changed my perception of myself. I’m not beautiful and I’m not ugly. But I am still sensitive about comments of my looks sometimes. Usually I don’t care and just laugh. But more often I’m really touchy when I hear comments about others. I get aggressive and say or do things that will hurt the thoughtless person. My body and soul remembers the feeling of being rejected even if my memory always doesn’t. I try to be the better person but there is so much memories, memories from wanting acceptance by the beautiful people…


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s