What can I say… A new pain that I have never felt before, but still so like all the other pain I have embraced… Friends dying or people leaving me. It is a wonderful pain that I know so well. The knot in the stomach that expands and grows spikes that will make me vomit blood till it all feels good again… The lump in the throat that grows and ooze acid, making it hurt and forcing tears to the eyes and making breathing hard. All that is so familiar…

“You stand there singing and give old bad memories beauty and relief. Your song is giving us a promise for forgiveness. Lost souls will not torment me again, I am forgiven and so are they. You stand there in that old shell that is your body. Age has not been kind to you and you show the marks of a hard life, but your voice is young and filled with promises of forgiveness…”

Here I stand in my new pain knowing that I will leave you. But you are good to me and lie to me. You ensure me that I mean something. You make me believe that I am someone and that everything is going to be fine. But I’m past living in this illusion that now is shattered. I’m falling like thousand shards, breaking even more when I hit the ground. I’m tired of this beating, I’m tired of this emotional violence. Quietly I leave you in hope to not be noticed or missed. I stand here with a new pain of not being left but to leave…

A growing pain

Posted: December 8, 2013 in Feelings
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I look at the high walls of stone surounding me in this narrow bay. Not even the moon light has the strength to reach down to the bottom where I’m chained to a stone in the lake of pain. As the tidal water of pain is raising I try to break free. But I quickly give up as I feel pain reaching my legs and slowly raising higher and higher. When the tide reaches my stomach I fight the urge to drop down on my knees, knowing that it would only increase the pain as it would reach up to my neck. Now pain embraces my chest and I want to scream out my own pain but I can hardly breath and every second of air is precious. As I stand there with the tidal water of pain up to my neck I know that this is not the end of the growing pain…

The pain is getting worse during nights. I can feel it growing inside me. It tries to break free from its cage. Hating to be captured it expands and pushes. My body is too small for it now and I rush to the toilet and as I throw up i see blod and feel a short moment of relieve from the pain. My stomach hurts, my heart aches, the room seems to start spinning and I feel naucious. As I start freezing I thank the gods that the pain is not as strong during the days as the nights.

The pain is like a monstrous creature trying to claw it self out of my body. Trying to infect my mind with dark thoughts it urges me, it comforts me and it pleades to me to let it free. It begs me to walk the narrow dark road of inflicting pain and revenge. But I will not let it and it will try to break free again. It will punish me and never give up or stop inflicing me a feeling of growing pain…

Feed my hunger

Posted: December 5, 2013 in Illusion
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Tonight you stand infront of me in all your natural beauty. Chocolate brown eyes and a tanned skin shimmering like gold in the darkness. We stand naked and my fingertips move over your body. They move up along your legs tickeling your calves and thighs before resting on your hips for a short moment. Our bodies moves towards each other and the warm feeling of your body makes my fingers continue their exploration of you. Slowly climbing up your back on their way to the shoulders I feel how you shiver and gasp for air. My hands passes your shoulders and move carefully up your neck. My finger move along your jaw bone before reaching your luscious lips. A tender kiss from you on my finger makes my hands move to your neck and softly burying the fingers into your hair before pulling you closer me for a long waited kiss. Tonight your body will sooth my hunger…

I want you… I see you in the restaurant. Dark hair, dark brown eyes and red lips. Your skin looks soft and beautifully shimmering in the light. I want to take you into my arms and lay you down on my bed.

I see you on the promenade. Blond short cut hair. Blue eyes and pale skin. Your muscular body moves under your t-shirt as you walk past me. I want to feel your muscles tense and relax as our bodies move together, naked in my bed.

I see you in the bar. You stand next to me. Leaning towards me you ask if I am alone. I look at your eyes and can see the same hunger I feel. You have put on a nice dress and makeup. Your fiery red lipstick dont hide your aged face but it gives you a sensual look that attracts me. I answer you: -Yes, I’m all alone. Tonight, you will feed my hunger…

 

Drench my thirst

Posted: November 25, 2013 in Feelings
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I feel the crawling pain spreading like a fire over my body. Every memory is like a flame burning inside my head. Every emotion burns my body as if each cell explodes from the heat causing my soul to scream for relief. I try to ignore the pain as it spreads all over me. Then i see the bottle… I want to numb my body and mind. I want relief. I want to extinguish my pain…

I’m going out. I hope that something will stop me on my hunt. Tonight I’m hunting for something to numb my aching heart and troubled mind. I want someting to make me sleep without worrying over life. I look for relief… I don’t have alcohol at home. I don’t want to sit home alone and drink. My mind plays games with me. The strong part of my mind tells me to not have alcohol home so I will not be tempted to drink. The weak part tells me that a drink will make me just enough happy to not drown in my own pains. If I’m lucky something on the way stops me from entering the bar.

I just want to feel control without any pain. Is that too much to ask? How long must I suffer? What is the price? I just want to extinguish the pain…

You wanted happiness

Posted: November 19, 2013 in Illusion
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A flower so beautiful… Standing alone under the burning sun. The ground is scorched and dead but yet the flower stands there in its simple beauty. I sit down next to it and try to give it shadow. I speak to it encouraging to hang on, there should be rain any day now. Hours become days and only my tears give the soil moist. Getting weaker I start to hallucinate, I see water flowing and I feel happy for it. I whisper to it that my last wish is that my remains will nurture it. All I want is the flower to be happy…

Let me tell you a story about happiness. Do you remember when we met? It was during the summer and when I saw you… You looked like a flower, beautiful and so full of life. You filled my mind all day and all night. My heart pounding and my face blushing when you spoke to me. We could speak for hours about everything and nothing. You laughed when I told you my silly stories. It was as my words tickled you and you had this happy laughter that made me feel so happy and special.

When our eyes met I saw the sky filled with stars. Your eyes is glittering like an ocean of emotions. I looked at you and whispered that I love you. A tear slowly showed up in your eye, growing slowly. I catched the tear with my finger and put it on my lip before kissing you. It was as if a wave from the ocean of emotions had spilled a drop of love that we shared. Embraced I could feel how our hearts now was beating as one.

Now we sit close and watch the sky filled with stars. You still are the most beautiful flower I have ever seen. You still laugh when I tell a bad joke. You still spill a tear of love that we share with a kiss. You tell me that you love me and that this is what you always wanted, you wanted happiness…

Color of death

Posted: November 18, 2013 in Memories
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I don’t remember how or why but I think i was 8 years old when the feeling of death introduced itself to me. A heavy feeling of sorrow hit me and I realised that I would die inevitably. I also remember being around 25 years and beliving that I would be dead before turning 30. But my meeting with death was nothing like I feared from my childhood. From then on I have meet death many times. I have experienced the different colors of death, both bad and good…

We stood there in the shadow. You smiled and comforted me, you told me to be happy. I could see how the shadow grew and spread itself on the street. I put you carefully on the ground. You looked at me with your beautiful eyes and whispered that it is nothing like you expected. -There is nothing there… just darkness. I could see the spreading shadow of death now shrinking to get a secure hold of you…

I have meet death dressed in white. My friend only 28 lies on the floor from a overdose. I helped you so many times when you felt sick. I took care of you through the really hard times, you told me so many times that I was your only true friend and that you would do anything if I needed help…
I have meet death dressed in red. You were lying in your own blood with empty eyes. There was no pain to be found in your face. You were my brother in arms and were supposed to be there for me in good times and bad times as i promissed you also. Now you left me alone looking at you and the gun in your hand…
I have meet death dressed in pink. You were 19 and your life was a pink heaven filled with parties and adventure. I laughed together with you and when I found out that you would eventually die I cried with you. You were happy but sad for me. You cared for me as I cared for you. We got one more year to play before death came for you. Dressed in pink to honor you death came to take you away.

Now I stand here alone. We were supposed to take care of each other. We were going to look out for each other. You promised. Now I stand here alone…

The wanderer

Posted: November 17, 2013 in Feelings
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I’m just dust carried in the wind. Nothing more or nothing less. Traveling where the wind takes it the dust is free. My mind is flying free, thoughts passes my mind and disappears to never be thought again. Thoughts, nothing more and nothing less. I’m passing all these people while walking to nowhere. To the people i’m dust. Nothing more, nothing less…

I love the feeling of wandering around. Being free of the chains and bonds that I put upon myself, expectasions, promises and high values. When I go for a walk I’m free. Any thoughts passes my mind without needing to be analysed. I see the happy faces of people and are for a short moment part of their happiness. I see sadness and anger, I feel their despair for a short moment. I experience emotions of my surrounding as i wander on. I’m like dust in the wind.

Being like dust is a blessing and a curse. Being of no value to those around me. I stand there and you see me but pay no attention because I’m nothing. I’m brushed away like dust from your clothes or shoes. I belive nothing I hear or that I’m told, because I know I’m not important or of value. Not even being something, just being nothing. So I go for a long walk…

Blood red lips

Posted: November 13, 2013 in Illusion
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Looking closely at the drop of blood hanging there in mid air I could clearly see the reflection of us on it. It was like both of us were trapped inside a red transparent bubble looking out on a world colored in red. Suddenly the blood drop flew away only to land a few feet futher away. Your slap woke me up and you threw yourself around my neck. Your lips trying to kiss away the pain your hand had caused. I welcomed your blood red lips on mine and took you into my arms wondering when these games would end.

I look at your blood red lips and wonder how they can cause so much pain to me. Blood red as a fresh wound they spew out the pain on to me as if begging me to heal you and take away the pain. I take you into my arms and tell you how much i love you. Your lips keep on pouring the hurting words but in a slower pace. I kiss your neck tenderly whispering ensuring words of love in your ear. Your lips closes as if the wound was healing and for a while we just stand there holding each other in the night.

As a sweet promise of love your lips meet mine in a kiss. You whisper words of love into my ear and they touch me with the passion seen between two people in love. A kiss from you removes my worries and takes away my pain. You tell me you love me and in amazement I look at your blood red lips…

One last feast

Posted: November 11, 2013 in Feelings
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I lay in my bed empty and numb. I am to enter one last orgy of uncontrolled feelings feasting on my body and soul. I know… this will not be the last time but I tell myself that every time. I am going to invite all my friends and mistresses to the feasts. I’m longing for the overwhelming feeling of passion and sorrow that will consume me. This will be the last time…

I looked at their faces as they watched me laying on the table. Laying there as a plate of food to be feasted on. They were hungy, they had been neglected and not feasted on my emotions for a long time. I know they are going to have an eating orgy all night, till the last bone is sucked and gnawed to nothing. There is no fighting and every feeling will have their turn, giving me love and punishment. This will be a long night…

I am sorry for all the things I have done and not done. All I wanted was to be a happy child not forced to become adult too fast. I am still black in my heart and in my mind. I long to be the punisher and to bringing my own justice to those who did me or others wrong. But I don’t walk that path any more and this is the price I pay. I give my body and soul to my emotions, so they can feast upon me instead of my enemies. Tonight I give one last feast…

 

Something died

Posted: November 11, 2013 in Illusion
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Standing alone in the room I see your shadows as if you were here. There should have been the sound of childrens feet running around. There should have been laughter and happines here. There should have been someone sitting next to me. There should have been someone holding my hand. There should have been someone talking with me. There was so much to be but something died…

I look at you and realise that everything is a dream and not real. You are a ghost, a shadow next to me. You say what you think will please me and make me happy. But you are not real. Nothing you say or do is. We talk everyday about what we have done and shall do. You make me laugh and I feel happy for a moment. Then the truth strikes me in the stomach and I realise that nothing is true and something inside me dies that moment.

You help me when I need help and you listen to me when I need someone to talk to. You make me smile and you soothe my troubled mind. I can tell you about my worries and you soothe my troubled soul. I try to be there for you as you are for me. But I am not allowed to help you and your shadow backs away. I feel a pain in my heart and something dies that moment.

Two souls never to meet in the same world. Separated by death and never to meet again, we wander around in this world only to be seen as shadows. Life has become an eternal search looking for the other half. The part of us that is missing. Today something died again and became a shadow in my world…